While surfing the Internet, I stumbled into an article from the China Youth Daily that gives some survival tips for personal interactions in China. It is titled “Nine Don’ts to Help You Survive in China” (在中国生存的九个“绝不要”). I’d like to summarize the “nine don’ts” (with my own experience and comments) here in English to share with you.

Don’t say “Thank you” as a response to a complimentary remark. The Chinese would think that you are arrogant, or at least not modest. When someone says that you are smart or a hard worker, the correct response should be “Nali, naili,” which simply means “No, no.” Then you’ll be seen as a person of modesty or humbleness, a trait highly regarded in the Chinese culture.

Don’t embarrass people in public. The Chinese treat their reputation as part of their lives. To criticize or yell at someone in the presence of others would hurt their feelings or pride badly. When you see a problem, talk to them in private when you can.

Don’t lose your temper in public. Yes, even though it is none of anyone else’s but your business, the Chinese still care about your attitude very much. By losing your temper and thereby your face, you are not helping a harmonious atmosphere: To achieve harmony is part and parcel of the Chinese culture.

Don’t mistake the last name for the first name. Chinese last, or family, name always comes first. And they don’t call each other by his or her first name unless they are very close in relationship, such as in a family. If you don’t know someone very well, call him or her by his or her last name and precede it with the respectful title Lao (Old) or Xiao (Young). Use Lao for a person that’s senior in age or superior in position; Xiao for one that is your peer or junior.

Don’t drink first. Drinking plays a big role in human relations in China. Every where you go, you’ll be treated to dinners, and almost at all dinners you’ll be offered Chinese alcohol. Northern Chinese prefer spirits like Maotai and Southerners like rice wine. The Chinese like to toast before drinking. Drinking first without inviting others to do the same in the form of proposing a toast is looked down upon as rude. Do pace out when you drink so that you won’t end up drinking too much and getting drunk, which would make you a laughing-stock even though they try hard to conceal their amusement.

Don’t stand by while others are “vying”  to pay for the bill after a dinner in a restaurant. Though “going Dutch,” or known as the “A-A System” （AA zhi, AA制）in China, is gradually catching on among young white-color workers in big cities, the Chinese in general are still clinging to the tradition of having one person pay the bill for a dinner. The one who does this is regarded as generous and genuinely hospitable. Therefore, if everyone else “fights” each other (Yes, they do) in order to be the first to get to the cashier, don’t remain inactive. You should join in the battle to show your generosity and sincerity even though you pretend to. This is a very subtle mind game: To show your sincerity while being able not to pay requires a long time to learn. Don’t mistake me here. In fact, you’ll eventually pay for a dinner after everyone else has his or her chance in future gatherings. You have to reciprocate others’ generosity. Therefore, this “system” is what I call paying by rotation. If you forget to or intend not to pay in the end, you’ll be “kicked out” of the party (though they may not do so literally) eventually. People will shun your company, thinking of you as stingy and unworthy of their friendship.

Don’t be empty-handed when you are invited to a dinner. It is the same as here in the States. The presents don’t have to be expensive. A bottle of wine to bring with you to your host or hostess’ house will suffice. Of course, since you are from America, anything that bears the signature of America will be appreciated.

Don’t accept a present or gift without pretending not to at first. When someone gives you something, you have to decline it a couple times before taking it. To accept it right away would cause the surprised Chinese think that you are impolite. The same is true when you are invited to dine with the Chinese. Don’t say yes right a way because you are not sure whether they really mean it. Sometimes, they don’t, and they just want to show that they are polite. If you decide to stay immediately after they invite you, they would be embarrassed. Only after you decline a couple of times and find that they still insist can you be sure whether your host really expects you to eat with them. How many times you decline depends. Usually, people with more education and in big cities will insist on inviting you less. Again this is very subtle. The best way is to watch your Chinese company if you have one and see how he or she behaves in a situation like this.

Don’t take “No, thanks” for a no. This case is like the one above, only that the role is reversed. When you invite someone to dinner and he or she says “No, thanks,” don’t take the answer for granted. Your guest may not mean what he or she says. He or she is just being modest because to accept your invitation right away is considered impolite or rude. You have to try to express your intent again or a couple more times before they are definitely sure that you are for real. If they decline, they would give you the reason, be it true or not.

No wonder, many of my Chinese compatriots feel that life is much easier in the States. Well, isn’t that more fun to play along with the Chinese while in China? Don’t worry and panic. You will learn. Even if you made “mistakes,” you will sure be pardoned, as the Chinese have a saying “Do not blame the man who knows nothing” (Bu zhi zhe bu guai, 不知者不怪).